I wanna know what condition my condition is in

I am struggling today with letting go. Always a difficult lesson for me. My chemo is supposed to start Wed 4/17 and I am taking part in a research study. My oncologist left a voice message on my cell phone yesterday saying that it's critical that she see me Monday morning because of something in my recent reports that might effect my participation in the study.

Don't you just love that kind of thing?

I'm thinking, what reports did she not have last time we talked? There was a CT scan with barium & all of the major organs, liver, kidneys - abdominal stuff. There was also a blood test for liver function. I don't think it's the heart echo-cardiogram cause she had that. Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

She even called again this morning and left a message. That's what I get for turning my cell phone ringer off and forgetting to turn it back on.

Last time this happened I got worried cause they cancelled my CT scan and gave me a reason that made no sense. Turned out it was just denied by medicaid, and they got it funded thru the study.

This also is probably nothing, but it's a very fishy scary nothing, and I don't like it at all.

Poop on doctors! That's what the little girl in me says. We should run away to Mexico and live on the beach. She doesn't understand that I have to take the disease with me in my body.

I know everything will turn out fine. Really.

So Monday I see my oncologist at 9am (and hopefully let out a big sigh of relief and feel silly for worrying), then I see my surgeon, Dr Holliman at 1:45 prior to having my port installed, and my plastic surgeon, Dr Fearmonti at 3:30. Tuesday I have surgery to install said port, and Wed I go in for chemo at 8:45.

After that we see how I do and I go back in a week to check what condition my condition is in. Then chemo again on May 1, and every 3 weeks til July 24.

I feel great except for my through the roof anxiety level over having to face and accept the unknown. Will be happy when I can once again fool myself into thinking I have lots of control over my life. Til then I just have to have faith and trust.

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