Choosing Life

When I learned last Wednesday that the CT scan showed probable cancer in my liver, I made the mistake of going online and looking up mortality rates. Bad idea.

Sure, many people with stage four breast cancer will die within the first two years, but I am most unlikely to be one of them. And it is true that not all that many years ago, this would be time to start planning my funeral, but that is no longer true.
Today John and I met with my oncologist, Dr Wilks, and she assures me that she expects the chemo to shrink these tumors to nothing. And we'll know it's working because we'll be watching with frequent CT scans. I'm hoping for a nice 10 year remission, like many other women in my situation have achieved. Maybe even longer, God willing.

I have a terminal illness, but it will take a long time to finish me off. I am strong and healthy and much loved. And I will fight this disease with fierce determination.

So, yes, my liver biopsy shows that the 2 masses are metastasized invasive lobular cancer. That means the cells from my main tumor in the breast have travelled to the liver and grown 2 tumors that are each just under 3cm. My bone scan was clear and my lungs and other organs look clear, but since the cancer cells have escaped the original site and travelled throughout my body, it's probable that there are other places where the cancer has taken hold, but the tumors are too small to see. That is why I will be treated systemically with Paclitaxel, which will kill any fast growing cells in my body.

My first chemo treatment will be this Friday, April 26. After that I'll have them on Wednesdays. Three weeks on then one week off. They will continue until the tumors are gone. If this drug does not work for me, there are many others to try.

I really got upset last week, feeling that I was on death's door. I was walking around like in the book "Goodnight Moon", saying goodbye to everything I love. It made me feel like I was already dead.

But I'm not. And I'm not likely to be any time soon.

For me this is an exercise in trusting God and letting go.
From what I've heard that works great when tried.
I am trying!

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Sometmes it's hard to know . . .

Not an easy day.The CT scan shows 2 masses in the liver, each almost 3 cm large. Almost certainy metastisized breast cancer.

I went from stage 2 to stage 4 quick as you please.

But of course nothing is changed, it was always there we just did not know it. Now my chemo will begin a week later, and probably go longer. I will be infused once a week for 3 weeks then have one off. They'll test me plenty to make sure it's working, but I'll ever be completly cured, altho I might go into remision for many years.

That's okay, we're all terminal, I'll just carry a deeper awareness closer to the surface.

We're hoping to get a PET scan and Liver biopsy. Will let you know how it works out.

This is hard news to accept and internalize, but I maintain my belief that the rest of my life will hold much more joy than pain, more love than fear, and more blessings than imaginable.

Love you all and thanks for the prayers and support.

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I wanna know what condition my condition is in

I am struggling today with letting go. Always a difficult lesson for me. My chemo is supposed to start Wed 4/17 and I am taking part in a research study. My oncologist left a voice message on my cell phone yesterday saying that it's critical that she see me Monday morning because of something in my recent reports that might effect my participation in the study.

Don't you just love that kind of thing?

I'm thinking, what reports did she not have last time we talked? There was a CT scan with barium & all of the major organs, liver, kidneys - abdominal stuff. There was also a blood test for liver function. I don't think it's the heart echo-cardiogram cause she had that. Aaaaaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!!!

She even called again this morning and left a message. That's what I get for turning my cell phone ringer off and forgetting to turn it back on.

Last time this happened I got worried cause they cancelled my CT scan and gave me a reason that made no sense. Turned out it was just denied by medicaid, and they got it funded thru the study.

This also is probably nothing, but it's a very fishy scary nothing, and I don't like it at all.

Poop on doctors! That's what the little girl in me says. We should run away to Mexico and live on the beach. She doesn't understand that I have to take the disease with me in my body.

I know everything will turn out fine. Really.

So Monday I see my oncologist at 9am (and hopefully let out a big sigh of relief and feel silly for worrying), then I see my surgeon, Dr Holliman at 1:45 prior to having my port installed, and my plastic surgeon, Dr Fearmonti at 3:30. Tuesday I have surgery to install said port, and Wed I go in for chemo at 8:45.

After that we see how I do and I go back in a week to check what condition my condition is in. Then chemo again on May 1, and every 3 weeks til July 24.

I feel great except for my through the roof anxiety level over having to face and accept the unknown. Will be happy when I can once again fool myself into thinking I have lots of control over my life. Til then I just have to have faith and trust.

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